For the first time, I realized that there really is a time for everything. When we try to get everything at once, we lose everything instead. When we rush into things, we make things harder for ourselves. When we waste our time overthinking, we lose our ground and slide back to square one, as frustrated and clueless as when we began.
So what do we do?
Live one day at a time.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
shoot, shooting
The camera package my Dad gave me was stagnating in my room for quite some time now. I swore I'd open the Nikon Digicam package and experiment a bit, but I never got to do so because I always have many lots of things to do (the eternal excuse of a lazy bum, of course). But today, for lack of something better to do, I decided to venture into a new field.
I consider myself as a photography newbie. I've never read any books about it, nor taken up any lessons. I've been fairly exposed to lots of pictures in the internet, though, and chanced upon random photography articles before. So anyway, I decided to put my photography skills to the test (if they are existent in the first place) and see if I have any potential. Heehee. Here's what I came up with.
In the first set, the pictures are clearly all about time. I had in my mind
the proverb "Time is gold" when I took the pictures.
This one has no particular theme or concept. It's merely
composed of random stuff I found around the house.
These pictures are nothing special, but I decided to post them here to inspire myself to take up a new hobby– photography! I adore lovely pictures, and it would be shame if I did not try to make some myself. Besides, this is a good way to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. It's the least I could do for myself right now– ease up the transition to a new and more exciting chapter in my life.
These pictures are nothing special, but I decided to post them here to inspire myself to take up a new hobby– photography! I adore lovely pictures, and it would be shame if I did not try to make some myself. Besides, this is a good way to keep my hands busy and my mind occupied. It's the least I could do for myself right now– ease up the transition to a new and more exciting chapter in my life.
Sleight of Heart
I.
Sophia Loren was alone in her room, gazing into the mirror. She had been adept at hiding her feelings for so long, but now, the mirror reflected a face far from emotionless. Her stoic facade had been torn down in the aftermath of the torrent of emotions that swept her when she met a particularly familiar man at Verde Antique. She noticed the incredible swiftness of his hands, the same ones she held ages ago, perfectly enshrouding the secrets of his trade, as well as the depth of his mysterious green eyes that freed the chains of her cautious heart; indeed, he was, unmistakably, the love of her life. She reached out for a tiny music box embellished with rhinestones and fake gold. As she lifted the lid of the music box, a familiar tune struck her− one that she knew by heart since she was still a young maiden.
“Turn a blind eye to the Pandora’s box you know, and stray from the path of the fallen…”
She had deliberately left that music box unopened for two decades or so. It was damaged, a dent marring its otherwise perfect appearance, but that important remnant was more than just an ornamental piece among the many others that adorned her lavishly bedecked room. It was brimming with memories, emotion and most importantly, passion− things which truly made her alive at one point in her life. Nonetheless, for many years, she chose to contain all her sentiments in that tiny box and leave it at just that. It was only at this moment that she attempted to approach the door and delve into the unknown, silently hoping that maybe, just maybe, the past and the present could converge in a fantasy world that she created for herself.
“A dangerous fate is what you desire, my lady. Be careful what you wish for.”
Her lament was suddenly disrupted by three distinct knocks on the door. “Open,” she weakly gave her assent. A large lady quickly rushed in, seemingly running out of breath. “Bonjour, Madamoiselle! Has it already come to your knowledge that our dear Valencia had eloped with Ricardo? Goodness gracious! How could our fine, well-mannered girl be deceived by this not-so-fine idiot!” The vivacity of the voice, even in the most unfortunate situations, immediately gave it away. It was Dolores, clad in her usual striped coat and elaborate headdress almost fit for a rooster. Sophia removed imaginary lint in her dress and cleared her throat. “Yes, Dolores, I heard it from Monsieur Castro. An inauspicious event, indeed.”
It might seem as though the tacky fashion of the stout servant is in striking contrast to the understated elegance of the young lady, who, even in this night of distress, looked absolutely prim and proper. Yet, Dolores was the closest thing to a friend to Sophia Loren, who, in painful confinement in a house she neither wanted nor enjoyed to be in, longed for company. Dolores cupped her mouth with hand and reached for the shoulder of the lady with the other, as she moved toward Sophia Loren. “Oh my, I am afraid my insolence has gotten too far tonight, my lady. I am inconsiderate and loud and everything you abhor, I am deeply sorry! You seem to be not too well, tonight. What is wrong? Should I get you a cup of tea? Wait a second, Madamoiselle”!
That night was a cold night. Dolores came back with two sheets of knitted blankets straight from the common closet and a cup of tea, as expected. “I’m afraid the baron won’t be here tonight. He had some things to attend to− ah, that busy man! But, don’t you worry, the man you long for shall be here tomorrow morning. And, by the way, I thought that you should know. The baron sent his regards to you before leaving.”
“The dawn and the light, setting the stage for what is right…”
With that, Sophia Loren slumped onto the spacious white bed. Dolores very well knew that the absence of the baron was not a major cause of worry for Sophia Loren, and Sophia Loren very well knew that Dolores knew this. Still, each maintained careful use of the language to avoid any awkward or embarrassing situation between them.
The baron was never really a real husband to Sophia Loren. He left the house when he felt like it and never allowed her into any part of his life. It was primarily a marriage on paper, except during those nights when the baron felt like releasing his passion. Sophia Loren was clearly dissatisfied, but that, she never let anyone know, not even her sole female friend in the house. But Dolores, secretly, knew her story.
Dolores left the room within a cunning smile. Once again, the image of the magician surfaced into Sophia Loren’s mind. Yes, he was a magician, a magician who revealed to her the magic of a thing called love. With all her might, she tried to shrug this feeling off and prepare for her nightly duties instead of letting this futile hope consume her thoughts. However, her bottled feelings, shaken by the chance encounter, shattered the walls of her resolve. Her eyes glistened with tears and she let out a sudden cry. She whimpered with pain and, finally, unable to bear it any longer, succumbed to the yearning and sorrow that threatened to overcome her very being, sobbing by the corner of the bed. It was only a matter of time before her body succumbed to physical and mental exhaustion and so, within a few moments, Sophia Loren fell in a deep slumber.
II.
Venice was an important center of trade and commerce in 16th century Italy; traditionally, merchants came together at this place twice a year to exchange luxurious cloths, handicrafts and several important goods. Little did she know that it was there that she would meet a young man who would change her life− Altheus, the son of one of the city’s prominent merchants.
Altheus was a shrewd and particularly clever gentleman for his age. While other teenage boys had been indulging themselves in racy comics and other inane diversions, he had been reading up on card tricks, optical illusions and other things often associated with magic. It would be safe to say that he has always been fascinated by the mysterious workings of the mind− the different ways through which men perceive reality. At an early age, he has set upon his heart a worthy, albeit seemingly unreachable, goal − to be the greatest magician the whole world had ever known.
However, Altheus’ ambition was quelled by the presence of his father. Like other parents at that time, he held the lock and key to Altheus’ future, keeping his son under the rule of an iron fist, always discussing his own plans for his son, but never allowing Altheus a say in the matter. It wasn’t long before he discovered Altheus’ secret passion, whence he set about doing all he could to deter his son from his ludicrous career choice. More than once, he attempted to throw away the improvised black cape of Altheus, as well as some of his other so-called ghastly things related to magic. Much to his dismay of his father, these things never failed to reappear in Altheus’ dresser, like magic.
With no clear end to the problem in sight, an idea suddenly struck Altheus’ father. Instead of taking his frustration out on his son, he thought that he would much rather take a different route. What better way to introduce his son to his future profession than to expose him to the field itself? And so, one day, he decided to take his son to the port with him as an apprentice.
Sophia Loren, on the other hand, was set to leave the country on that fated day. If it were not for her awfully preoccupied uncle who had some unfinished business to settle, she should have left the port at exactly four hours ago. As a girl who struggled in keeping herself on her toes since childhood, Sophia Loren decided to look around despite the clear instructions of his uncle to stay put while waiting at a brown bench where he left her. She walked around, seeing before her very eyes the majesty and sheer number of gigantic ships that she only knew about through her uncle’s stories before. As her eyes feasted on new and wonderful sights, she saw by the corner of her eye a boy about her age, shuffling an obviously worn-out deck of cards near a black post. She stared curiously at this boy, dignified with his bright-colored coat and long-tipped shoes. “What is this boy doing, sulking by the corner of a busy port?” she thought to herself. She got almost too carried away with her thought that her heart almost skipped a beat when something fascinating happened− the boy’s mysterious green eyes met her hazel eyes and a moment of understanding sparked in the hearts of these two young strangers.
“It is my sincerest hope that our deal be sealed as soon as possible."
“Rest assured, comrade, that minor inconveniences on your part shall not be in vain. I shall meet important contacts on the port today so I can obtain the products that you particularly specified. What do you say about meeting tomorrow for the final plan?”
“Your proposition seems to be pretty good. Drop by my abode tomorrow in Valle Verde, and let us finalize our plans once and for all.
The children of the two men were of course, Altheus and Sophia Loren. The boy and the girl met each other at the house of Sophia Loren the following day and a beautiful love blossomed out of nowhere, only to be destroyed by cruel fate. As a storm assaulted the mellow workings of two young hearts, so had robbers assaulted every chance of them being together. Sophia Loren and Altheus were separated and things were never the same again.
III.
The morning was bright and the lovely chirping sounds of birds greeted Sophia Loren as she raised both of her arms into the air to mark the start of the day. She quickly got up, straightened the creases of her clothes, and noticed that she was still wearing the same dress as when she attended the event at Verde Antique. Her false sense of serenity was once again betrayed as the previous night’s thoughts rushed into her mind.
She grabbed her tiny beige purse and her tiny, frail hands turned silently turned the knob in her wooden door. And just then, something peculiar and totally unconceivable happened. With her entire body electrified and her face frozen in time, her lovely brown eyes met the piercing gaze of a man.
“I believe you were expecting me.”
He was carrying a music box.
Sophia Loren was alone in her room, gazing into the mirror. She had been adept at hiding her feelings for so long, but now, the mirror reflected a face far from emotionless. Her stoic facade had been torn down in the aftermath of the torrent of emotions that swept her when she met a particularly familiar man at Verde Antique. She noticed the incredible swiftness of his hands, the same ones she held ages ago, perfectly enshrouding the secrets of his trade, as well as the depth of his mysterious green eyes that freed the chains of her cautious heart; indeed, he was, unmistakably, the love of her life. She reached out for a tiny music box embellished with rhinestones and fake gold. As she lifted the lid of the music box, a familiar tune struck her− one that she knew by heart since she was still a young maiden.
“Turn a blind eye to the Pandora’s box you know, and stray from the path of the fallen…”
She had deliberately left that music box unopened for two decades or so. It was damaged, a dent marring its otherwise perfect appearance, but that important remnant was more than just an ornamental piece among the many others that adorned her lavishly bedecked room. It was brimming with memories, emotion and most importantly, passion− things which truly made her alive at one point in her life. Nonetheless, for many years, she chose to contain all her sentiments in that tiny box and leave it at just that. It was only at this moment that she attempted to approach the door and delve into the unknown, silently hoping that maybe, just maybe, the past and the present could converge in a fantasy world that she created for herself.
“A dangerous fate is what you desire, my lady. Be careful what you wish for.”
Her lament was suddenly disrupted by three distinct knocks on the door. “Open,” she weakly gave her assent. A large lady quickly rushed in, seemingly running out of breath. “Bonjour, Madamoiselle! Has it already come to your knowledge that our dear Valencia had eloped with Ricardo? Goodness gracious! How could our fine, well-mannered girl be deceived by this not-so-fine idiot!” The vivacity of the voice, even in the most unfortunate situations, immediately gave it away. It was Dolores, clad in her usual striped coat and elaborate headdress almost fit for a rooster. Sophia removed imaginary lint in her dress and cleared her throat. “Yes, Dolores, I heard it from Monsieur Castro. An inauspicious event, indeed.”
It might seem as though the tacky fashion of the stout servant is in striking contrast to the understated elegance of the young lady, who, even in this night of distress, looked absolutely prim and proper. Yet, Dolores was the closest thing to a friend to Sophia Loren, who, in painful confinement in a house she neither wanted nor enjoyed to be in, longed for company. Dolores cupped her mouth with hand and reached for the shoulder of the lady with the other, as she moved toward Sophia Loren. “Oh my, I am afraid my insolence has gotten too far tonight, my lady. I am inconsiderate and loud and everything you abhor, I am deeply sorry! You seem to be not too well, tonight. What is wrong? Should I get you a cup of tea? Wait a second, Madamoiselle”!
That night was a cold night. Dolores came back with two sheets of knitted blankets straight from the common closet and a cup of tea, as expected. “I’m afraid the baron won’t be here tonight. He had some things to attend to− ah, that busy man! But, don’t you worry, the man you long for shall be here tomorrow morning. And, by the way, I thought that you should know. The baron sent his regards to you before leaving.”
“The dawn and the light, setting the stage for what is right…”
With that, Sophia Loren slumped onto the spacious white bed. Dolores very well knew that the absence of the baron was not a major cause of worry for Sophia Loren, and Sophia Loren very well knew that Dolores knew this. Still, each maintained careful use of the language to avoid any awkward or embarrassing situation between them.
The baron was never really a real husband to Sophia Loren. He left the house when he felt like it and never allowed her into any part of his life. It was primarily a marriage on paper, except during those nights when the baron felt like releasing his passion. Sophia Loren was clearly dissatisfied, but that, she never let anyone know, not even her sole female friend in the house. But Dolores, secretly, knew her story.
Dolores left the room within a cunning smile. Once again, the image of the magician surfaced into Sophia Loren’s mind. Yes, he was a magician, a magician who revealed to her the magic of a thing called love. With all her might, she tried to shrug this feeling off and prepare for her nightly duties instead of letting this futile hope consume her thoughts. However, her bottled feelings, shaken by the chance encounter, shattered the walls of her resolve. Her eyes glistened with tears and she let out a sudden cry. She whimpered with pain and, finally, unable to bear it any longer, succumbed to the yearning and sorrow that threatened to overcome her very being, sobbing by the corner of the bed. It was only a matter of time before her body succumbed to physical and mental exhaustion and so, within a few moments, Sophia Loren fell in a deep slumber.
II.
Venice was an important center of trade and commerce in 16th century Italy; traditionally, merchants came together at this place twice a year to exchange luxurious cloths, handicrafts and several important goods. Little did she know that it was there that she would meet a young man who would change her life− Altheus, the son of one of the city’s prominent merchants.
Altheus was a shrewd and particularly clever gentleman for his age. While other teenage boys had been indulging themselves in racy comics and other inane diversions, he had been reading up on card tricks, optical illusions and other things often associated with magic. It would be safe to say that he has always been fascinated by the mysterious workings of the mind− the different ways through which men perceive reality. At an early age, he has set upon his heart a worthy, albeit seemingly unreachable, goal − to be the greatest magician the whole world had ever known.
However, Altheus’ ambition was quelled by the presence of his father. Like other parents at that time, he held the lock and key to Altheus’ future, keeping his son under the rule of an iron fist, always discussing his own plans for his son, but never allowing Altheus a say in the matter. It wasn’t long before he discovered Altheus’ secret passion, whence he set about doing all he could to deter his son from his ludicrous career choice. More than once, he attempted to throw away the improvised black cape of Altheus, as well as some of his other so-called ghastly things related to magic. Much to his dismay of his father, these things never failed to reappear in Altheus’ dresser, like magic.
With no clear end to the problem in sight, an idea suddenly struck Altheus’ father. Instead of taking his frustration out on his son, he thought that he would much rather take a different route. What better way to introduce his son to his future profession than to expose him to the field itself? And so, one day, he decided to take his son to the port with him as an apprentice.
Sophia Loren, on the other hand, was set to leave the country on that fated day. If it were not for her awfully preoccupied uncle who had some unfinished business to settle, she should have left the port at exactly four hours ago. As a girl who struggled in keeping herself on her toes since childhood, Sophia Loren decided to look around despite the clear instructions of his uncle to stay put while waiting at a brown bench where he left her. She walked around, seeing before her very eyes the majesty and sheer number of gigantic ships that she only knew about through her uncle’s stories before. As her eyes feasted on new and wonderful sights, she saw by the corner of her eye a boy about her age, shuffling an obviously worn-out deck of cards near a black post. She stared curiously at this boy, dignified with his bright-colored coat and long-tipped shoes. “What is this boy doing, sulking by the corner of a busy port?” she thought to herself. She got almost too carried away with her thought that her heart almost skipped a beat when something fascinating happened− the boy’s mysterious green eyes met her hazel eyes and a moment of understanding sparked in the hearts of these two young strangers.
“It is my sincerest hope that our deal be sealed as soon as possible."
“Rest assured, comrade, that minor inconveniences on your part shall not be in vain. I shall meet important contacts on the port today so I can obtain the products that you particularly specified. What do you say about meeting tomorrow for the final plan?”
“Your proposition seems to be pretty good. Drop by my abode tomorrow in Valle Verde, and let us finalize our plans once and for all.
The children of the two men were of course, Altheus and Sophia Loren. The boy and the girl met each other at the house of Sophia Loren the following day and a beautiful love blossomed out of nowhere, only to be destroyed by cruel fate. As a storm assaulted the mellow workings of two young hearts, so had robbers assaulted every chance of them being together. Sophia Loren and Altheus were separated and things were never the same again.
III.
The morning was bright and the lovely chirping sounds of birds greeted Sophia Loren as she raised both of her arms into the air to mark the start of the day. She quickly got up, straightened the creases of her clothes, and noticed that she was still wearing the same dress as when she attended the event at Verde Antique. Her false sense of serenity was once again betrayed as the previous night’s thoughts rushed into her mind.
She grabbed her tiny beige purse and her tiny, frail hands turned silently turned the knob in her wooden door. And just then, something peculiar and totally unconceivable happened. With her entire body electrified and her face frozen in time, her lovely brown eyes met the piercing gaze of a man.
“I believe you were expecting me.”
He was carrying a music box.
Friday, October 29, 2010
hottau
Remember that Prometheus story? That once, he divided the slaughtered animal parts into two packets. The bones were wrapped up in rich fat, while the ox-meat was wrapped up in intestines and nasty bits that looked less extravagant by far. Zeus chose the former and got furious when he learned that the good meat was given to humans.
This story exemplifies the good ol' quote "Good things come in small packages." When I say small, I mean inconspicuous, unapparent and definitely unexpected. My section has been, somehow, all that to me. The first time I saw the class list, my mind was taken into a complete blank. I knew but a very few people, and I found it hard to gauge my potential chemistry with the rest in the section. The night before the first day of classes, I knew that I had a lot of work to do. I had to smile, think of witty conversation starters, and really, look approachable.
Although, it seems that I forgot everything the moment I stepped out of the door in our house. I remember trying to talk with random people in the class and getting results which were kinda sorta not right (or favorable, I think). That day, I decided to stick with one old friend of mine instead. That went on for several days that some of our classmates thought of things that are well, kinda out-of-this-world. :))
As the weeks progressed, I warmed up to the section slowly. Lots of people in my section had quirky personalities but they were unique in their own way. In less than three months, I saw the different sides of a silent but deadly female classmate, a graceful robot, a guitar idol, and yeah, piano virtuosos. I also got to know my old classmates better, namely, a Glee character look-alike, a physics nerd who is VERY special to me. (haha right? :"> =)))) ), a horse and a fish duo, and of course, a whole lot more.
Tau has been, so far, everything that I could wish for. I could be loud, funny, emo, or anything I want to be at any time of the day, and I would be sure to have company. As cheesy as this may sound, I feel like I have something Tau-related to look forward to every day– whether it be a trip to the journal section with my TD friends, a maurag moment with my maurag mates, a LOL Sierra moment, or just about anything that gets me through stressful days brought about homeworks and requirements.
It seemed as though the people were nothing but mismatched threads here and there, but as I said before, we have formed a beautiful tapestry that is bound to stay forever. Well, at least I hope so.
It seemed as though the people were nothing but mismatched threads here and there, but as I said before, we have formed a beautiful tapestry that is bound to stay forever. Well, at least I hope so.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
tuesday nights
Curled up in a corner
Staring into space
Catharsis in October
While slowing down her pace
Stuck in the hourglass' curse
With the eleventh hour at hand
Her heart is about to burst
Traversing gloomy land
Yielding to the law of time
A messy past she left behind
With no reason nor rhyme
Her entirety's nothing but blind
She wonders about the opposite shore
With whom she shares the same horizon
A faint star reveals itself once more
Endangering a battle already won
But liberated she has been
From the power relinquished
In all the places she has been
The light of hope has never vanished
Now past the tough roads
And near the end of the ride
She approaches another abode
With her eyes open wide
Staring into space
Catharsis in October
While slowing down her pace
Stuck in the hourglass' curse
With the eleventh hour at hand
Her heart is about to burst
Traversing gloomy land
Yielding to the law of time
A messy past she left behind
With no reason nor rhyme
Her entirety's nothing but blind
She wonders about the opposite shore
With whom she shares the same horizon
A faint star reveals itself once more
Endangering a battle already won
But liberated she has been
From the power relinquished
In all the places she has been
The light of hope has never vanished
Now past the tough roads
And near the end of the ride
She approaches another abode
With her eyes open wide
Monday, October 25, 2010
sing-song
What is north? What is south?
What is life really about?
I've messed up my body clock
And life's realities I mocked
Never thinking I might just
Be taken into a complete blast
Now the fake pearls have faded
Along with my childhood completed
I stand on a thick border
Never sure of the next chapter
A barely perceptible figure remains in my mind
A picture of a man whose reality I've yet to find
A man so shrewd, adventurous and bold
Who resolved to see the grandeur of the world
He's Hercules, swift, steady and strong
In his voyages he once carried me along
His presence was a deep boom
Beaming waves in a room
But now the ground is shaky
And everyone has left me
In the verge of tears
Wading across the lake of fears
I made a silent, faint sigh
Just so no one could hear me.
What is life really about?
I've messed up my body clock
And life's realities I mocked
Never thinking I might just
Be taken into a complete blast
Now the fake pearls have faded
Along with my childhood completed
I stand on a thick border
Never sure of the next chapter
A barely perceptible figure remains in my mind
A picture of a man whose reality I've yet to find
A man so shrewd, adventurous and bold
Who resolved to see the grandeur of the world
He's Hercules, swift, steady and strong
In his voyages he once carried me along
His presence was a deep boom
Beaming waves in a room
But now the ground is shaky
And everyone has left me
In the verge of tears
Wading across the lake of fears
I made a silent, faint sigh
Just so no one could hear me.
i know a secret that can ruin my life forever.
Except... it may not be a secret anymore soon.
There really comes a low point in life when one does not know what to believe in anymore.
There really comes a low point in life when one does not know what to believe in anymore.
This moment may well be that point.
____________________________________
A soul has been ripped apart long ago, though I don't know how and I don't know when. The soul longed to widen its horizons armed with a golden heart and indomitable will, but along the way, it lost its bearings in a deep and mighty jungle. Luring vines and deliciously tempting fruits got the better of this soul, and, now devoid of its original sense of right and wrong, it drowned in the river of bloody sin, never to return to its pure state again.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
of shattered expectations
"To err is human..."
No one is perfect, but for most of us carry the erroneous notion that the people we hold in high esteem are free of faults. Many of our personal heroes are selfless, driven and virtuous− or so we think. The immaculate image embossed in our minds is often far from reality. Our senses fail us most of the time, muddling our perception and sense of judgment.
However we try to shun the reality, our idols cannot ever be possibly perfect. Hot actors we drool over for their macho image may secretly shudder at the sight of spiders and frogs, while models with looks to die for may look hideous in the morning. The same goes for our parents, teachers and mentors who have done outrageous things in the past that I would rather not speak of.
Still, there remains a deep sense of loss in the back of our minds when we realize that our heroes are not all that we crack them to be. The long list of their indispensable traits and noteworthy accomplishments, as well as the perfect image we have formed in our minds, becomes momentarily pale when we encounter a bump that shatters our high expectations in these people.
It is natural to feel powerless after having discovered so disturbing a fact. Our universe centered around a certain (seemingly honorable but not really) human deity our may stop for a while, but we know that this we must outgrow this phase and return to the daily order of things if we are to keep our sanity.
When we encounter this bump, what do we do next?
Three choices:
i) Turn a blind eye to the flaw (i.e., keep our mouths shut and pretend we are unaware of the things we wish we didn’t have to know)
ii) Find another idol
iii) Confront the person and talk to him/her about it (only applicable if the person is someone we know personally)
Or more appropriately, what should I do next?
"...to forgive is divine."
"...to forgive is divine."
Saturday, October 23, 2010
falling apart
Sometimes, the truth is right in front of you, yet you choose not to acknowledge it for fear of making your life more complicated than it already is.
Sometimes, the simplest questions are the hardest to answer.
Sometimes, confrontation seems to be the hardest thing in the world.
Is there some way to reset your mind and delete certain memories so you do not have to carry the burden of keeping a secret?
Should you push things to the limit and risk strained relationships, or keep your mouth shut and pretend that things are perfectly fine?
How do you treat an important person who lost your trust unknowingly?
Sometimes, the simplest questions are the hardest to answer.
Sometimes, confrontation seems to be the hardest thing in the world.
Is there some way to reset your mind and delete certain memories so you do not have to carry the burden of keeping a secret?
Should you push things to the limit and risk strained relationships, or keep your mouth shut and pretend that things are perfectly fine?
How do you treat an important person who lost your trust unknowingly?
Thursday, October 21, 2010
two things.
A hopeful hello enshrouding impending farewell.
And an unveiled capsule ringing a familiar bell
Screwed torrent of emotions turning loose
Approaching infinity with nothing to lose
Explicit liber secundus.
P.S. Gonna go to bed now. Fluuuu.
And an unveiled capsule ringing a familiar bell
Screwed torrent of emotions turning loose
Approaching infinity with nothing to lose
Explicit liber secundus.
P.S. Gonna go to bed now. Fluuuu.
strawberry yogurt ice cream
Today, I finally found a strawberry yogurt ice cream at a convenience store. After almost two years of searching, can you believe it? Ice cream is ice cream, but in my eyes, it was definitely something more. Last year, I'd often walk around the oval with my friends and pass by the area near the front lobby where people were selling ice cream. I'd ask the vendor if he has that specific flavor I was looking for. And I'd be disappointed as often as I'd ask him. That ice cream was out of stock forever, so it seemed to me.
That idea of that strawberry yogurt ice cream captured the essence of sweetness and an especially fond memory that I so longed to relish at that time. It was weird, kinda stupid actually, of me to think that if I could just take hold of that ice cream, things would change and somehow fall into place.
Fast forward to today. My Mom and I were looking for a place where we could park the car for some time, and somehow we settled into going to a gasoline station near our home. I entered the convenience store to buy anything, just so we could park our car.
I looked for something to satisfy my sweet tooth– chocolate or caramel-flavored ice cream, perhaps. But at the least expected moment, I caught sight of that special strawberry yogurt ice cream I was looking for. For a moment, I thought that the quest was finally completed and the sweet surging memories would soon follow.
But no. No memories. No sparks. No anything.
The awe-filled smile of mine quickly turned into a frown, but the convex curved slowly worked its way upwards again upon my sudden realization. I was free then already, no longer chained to the pointless hope planted in my mind by my past self. And at that moment, it occurred to me–ice cream is nothing but mere ice cream to me now.
That idea of that strawberry yogurt ice cream captured the essence of sweetness and an especially fond memory that I so longed to relish at that time. It was weird, kinda stupid actually, of me to think that if I could just take hold of that ice cream, things would change and somehow fall into place.
Fast forward to today. My Mom and I were looking for a place where we could park the car for some time, and somehow we settled into going to a gasoline station near our home. I entered the convenience store to buy anything, just so we could park our car.
I looked for something to satisfy my sweet tooth– chocolate or caramel-flavored ice cream, perhaps. But at the least expected moment, I caught sight of that special strawberry yogurt ice cream I was looking for. For a moment, I thought that the quest was finally completed and the sweet surging memories would soon follow.
But no. No memories. No sparks. No anything.
The awe-filled smile of mine quickly turned into a frown, but the convex curved slowly worked its way upwards again upon my sudden realization. I was free then already, no longer chained to the pointless hope planted in my mind by my past self. And at that moment, it occurred to me–ice cream is nothing but mere ice cream to me now.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
my church is cool.
Every time I attend the morning service in our Church, there's always something amazing to look forward to. Mind you, it's not limited to the scripture or anything holy. It's almost like watching a rock concert and and listening to a TED talk with matching kick-ass videos or presentations after. The talk is always accompanied by a thoughtfully-designed powerpoint, so I pick up a lesson or two about typography every week. But more than that, the content of the talks is, more often than not, relevant to people in my age. No yawn-inducing, self-righteous talks there (or at least, none yet).
This week, it's the third part of a series they call "Original Pinoy Mindsets 2", or simply OPM2, which highlights somewhat negative aspects of the Filipino culture then relates it to the scripture. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't attended the service last week, and the week before that as well, but my family members told me that the talks were about "Lagay, Lusot, Lakad: The Trilogy of Maneuvers" and "Kanya-Kanya."
So anyway, this week's talk is wittily titled "Machonurin", which is of course, a combination of two words related to two conflicting ideas, namely, submission and subjugation. By all means, our society is a matriarchal one. Men may hold the seat of the authority in the house, but most of the time, they are more of figureheads and it's usually the women who are in charge of running the household.
There are two extreme leadership patterns in the family – one is the militaristic style, wherein men take pride in being the "padre de familia" and the sole arbiter in all the decision-making in the house. Women in the first case have little or no role except doing household chores and bearing children. The other one is the "ander da saya" syndrome, wherein females but do not only control house matters but the lives of their husbands as well.
The speaker cited one book (I can't remember the title) which provides an explanation of this persisting condition. In our society, people place double standards since childhood – boys can freely play in the streets, while girls are expected to help their mothers in the household chores. As a result, girls tend to mature earlier than their male counterparts. Also, In the process of, as I like to call it, early domestic internship, girls develop useful qualities such as insightfulness, ingenuity and resourcefulness.
The problem begins when women abuse these traits in a way that their husbands feel overshadowed and not as important as they should think they are. Some passive men prefer to pass the authority to their wives thinking that they could handle things anyway, and their wives in turn, get annoyed that their husbands are not being responsible in letting them take the lead ALL THE TIME. This may be caused by lack of effective communication between partners.
This week, it's the third part of a series they call "Original Pinoy Mindsets 2", or simply OPM2, which highlights somewhat negative aspects of the Filipino culture then relates it to the scripture. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't attended the service last week, and the week before that as well, but my family members told me that the talks were about "Lagay, Lusot, Lakad: The Trilogy of Maneuvers" and "Kanya-Kanya."
So anyway, this week's talk is wittily titled "Machonurin", which is of course, a combination of two words related to two conflicting ideas, namely, submission and subjugation. By all means, our society is a matriarchal one. Men may hold the seat of the authority in the house, but most of the time, they are more of figureheads and it's usually the women who are in charge of running the household.
There are two extreme leadership patterns in the family – one is the militaristic style, wherein men take pride in being the "padre de familia" and the sole arbiter in all the decision-making in the house. Women in the first case have little or no role except doing household chores and bearing children. The other one is the "ander da saya" syndrome, wherein females but do not only control house matters but the lives of their husbands as well.
The speaker cited one book (I can't remember the title) which provides an explanation of this persisting condition. In our society, people place double standards since childhood – boys can freely play in the streets, while girls are expected to help their mothers in the household chores. As a result, girls tend to mature earlier than their male counterparts. Also, In the process of, as I like to call it, early domestic internship, girls develop useful qualities such as insightfulness, ingenuity and resourcefulness.
The problem begins when women abuse these traits in a way that their husbands feel overshadowed and not as important as they should think they are. Some passive men prefer to pass the authority to their wives thinking that they could handle things anyway, and their wives in turn, get annoyed that their husbands are not being responsible in letting them take the lead ALL THE TIME. This may be caused by lack of effective communication between partners.
At that point, the speaker started relating the topic to a similar concept in the bible. Certain lines were mentioned here and there, but I won't mention them here anymore. They're kinda lengthy, plus no one would bother to read them anyway.
The talk also touched on relationships, and our pastor talked about establishing qualifications firsthand before starting the search. He then started the cheesy stories about him and his wife. Well, as for me, faithfulness is the first on my list. Even if I meet the perfect guy, I'll gladly kick him in the ass and leave if he's pissing me off with all the flirting.
Bow.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
mumunting yaman
Note: This is an essay I wrote for an writing contest last 2007.
Ang perlas na huwad, kapag kiniskis sa pisngi ng kapwa perlas, ay magagasgas, mag-iiba ang kulay at hindi na mawawala pa ang lamat na nalikha. Mapapahiya ang alahero na nagtitinda ng ganoong uri ng perlas. Bago makuha ang perlas na tunay, kailangang paghirapan ito. Sisirin sa pusod ng dagat. Hanapin at halughugin. Mahirap ang ganitong gawain dahil kailangan mong isugal ang iyong buhay upang magkaroon lamang ng perlas. Yaong hindi ka mapapahiya. Yaong kahit ikiskis sa ibang bagay, magagasgas nga ngunit mawawala rin ng kusa. Yaong kahit sunugin ay hindi mawawalan ng kintab at kinang pagkat tunay ngang perlas.
Alalaong baga, maikukumpara ang perlas na ito sa kabataan ng kasalukuyan. Upang maging tunay na perlas, kinakailangang dumaan sa pagsubok, hubugin at patibayin ng karanasan. Magiging produktibo lamang ang kabataan kung sila ay mapapalaki ng wasto at sapat.
Ito ang dahilan kung bakit kaylaki ng responsibilidad ng mga magulang na nagtatanim ng punla sa kanilang mga anak. Kawangki nila ang mga magsasakang nagtatanim ng mga buto sa katirikan man ng araw, makapagpatubo lamang ng punong magbibigay ng matamis na bunga.
Mistulang munting halaman ang kabataan na nangangailangan ng suporta mula sa komunidad upang magtagumpay at bumuo ng bansang maunlad at maginhawa. Ang mga institusyon sa ating komunidad tulad ng paaralan, simbahan at silid-aklatan ay nagtutulong-tulong upang humulma ng mga kapaki-pakinabang na indibidwal sa hinaharap. Patuloy na nagbibigay ng kaalaman ang mga ito upang masikatan ng sinag ng sining, karunungan at kagalingan tungo sa naghihintay na bukas.
Kinakailangan din ng kontribusyon ng pamahalaan upang matiyak ang pag-usbong ng mga mumunting buto. Diligan, alagaan at bantayan. Bantayang maigi nang hindi dapuan ng mga perwisyong insekto. Bantayan nang mataman upang hindi maligiran ng mga damong aagaw sa sustansya ng isang halamang kapaki-pakinabang. Tunay ngang ang halamang kapaki-pakinabang ay kabataan at ang mga insekto’t damo ay ang mga masasamang impluwensya na maaring gumapi sa kabataan.
Kung lalagumin natin ang lahat nang ito, kapag tigib na sa talino, galing at talento ang mga kabataan, kaya na nilang buuin ang ating bayang mahal. TInitiyak kong arkipelago man ang ating bansa, bibigkisin ito ng isang tanikala ng pagkakaisa. Oo, pagkakaisa ang siyang susi para buuin ang isang bansang nililigid ng pagmamahalan paggalang, kaunlaran at kapayapaan. Sa kamay ng mga kabataang huhulmahin ngayon ang mukha ng ating bayan bukas.
Kapagka naisagawa ito, maliwanag pa sa sikat ng araw na kayang-kaya na ng mga kabataang Pilipinong makipagsabayan sa mga ibang bansa. Maibabalik na rin ang magandang imahe ng bansang ating ginigiliw. Kung lilingunin natin ang ating kasaysayan, minsan nang tiningala ang ating bansa sa buong mundo nang humawak ng pinakamataas na katungkulan ang ating kababayang si Carlos P. Romulo sa Nagkakaisang Bansa. Kung kaya nating makipagsabayan noon, tinitiyak kong kaya rin natin ngayon. Kaya nating sabayan ang ibang bansa sa larangan ng sining, edukasyon at maging sa pulitika.
Kaya ang panawagan ko bilang kabataan ng kasalukuyan, kami sana’y hulmahing tunay. Mamumuhunan po kayo sa amin. Pagkat batid kong kung paano kami hubugin ngayon ay ganoon din ang katangiang tataglayin namin bukas. Kapagka matibay ang aming pundasyon, kayang-kaya naming buuin ang bansa tungo sa bantayog ng kaunlaran at nang ang ating bansa ay muling dumakila’t kilalanin bilang isang bansang matatag.
Ang perlas na huwad, kapag kiniskis sa pisngi ng kapwa perlas, ay magagasgas, mag-iiba ang kulay at hindi na mawawala pa ang lamat na nalikha. Mapapahiya ang alahero na nagtitinda ng ganoong uri ng perlas. Bago makuha ang perlas na tunay, kailangang paghirapan ito. Sisirin sa pusod ng dagat. Hanapin at halughugin. Mahirap ang ganitong gawain dahil kailangan mong isugal ang iyong buhay upang magkaroon lamang ng perlas. Yaong hindi ka mapapahiya. Yaong kahit ikiskis sa ibang bagay, magagasgas nga ngunit mawawala rin ng kusa. Yaong kahit sunugin ay hindi mawawalan ng kintab at kinang pagkat tunay ngang perlas.
Alalaong baga, maikukumpara ang perlas na ito sa kabataan ng kasalukuyan. Upang maging tunay na perlas, kinakailangang dumaan sa pagsubok, hubugin at patibayin ng karanasan. Magiging produktibo lamang ang kabataan kung sila ay mapapalaki ng wasto at sapat.
Ito ang dahilan kung bakit kaylaki ng responsibilidad ng mga magulang na nagtatanim ng punla sa kanilang mga anak. Kawangki nila ang mga magsasakang nagtatanim ng mga buto sa katirikan man ng araw, makapagpatubo lamang ng punong magbibigay ng matamis na bunga.
Mistulang munting halaman ang kabataan na nangangailangan ng suporta mula sa komunidad upang magtagumpay at bumuo ng bansang maunlad at maginhawa. Ang mga institusyon sa ating komunidad tulad ng paaralan, simbahan at silid-aklatan ay nagtutulong-tulong upang humulma ng mga kapaki-pakinabang na indibidwal sa hinaharap. Patuloy na nagbibigay ng kaalaman ang mga ito upang masikatan ng sinag ng sining, karunungan at kagalingan tungo sa naghihintay na bukas.
Kinakailangan din ng kontribusyon ng pamahalaan upang matiyak ang pag-usbong ng mga mumunting buto. Diligan, alagaan at bantayan. Bantayang maigi nang hindi dapuan ng mga perwisyong insekto. Bantayan nang mataman upang hindi maligiran ng mga damong aagaw sa sustansya ng isang halamang kapaki-pakinabang. Tunay ngang ang halamang kapaki-pakinabang ay kabataan at ang mga insekto’t damo ay ang mga masasamang impluwensya na maaring gumapi sa kabataan.
Kung lalagumin natin ang lahat nang ito, kapag tigib na sa talino, galing at talento ang mga kabataan, kaya na nilang buuin ang ating bayang mahal. TInitiyak kong arkipelago man ang ating bansa, bibigkisin ito ng isang tanikala ng pagkakaisa. Oo, pagkakaisa ang siyang susi para buuin ang isang bansang nililigid ng pagmamahalan paggalang, kaunlaran at kapayapaan. Sa kamay ng mga kabataang huhulmahin ngayon ang mukha ng ating bayan bukas.
Kapagka naisagawa ito, maliwanag pa sa sikat ng araw na kayang-kaya na ng mga kabataang Pilipinong makipagsabayan sa mga ibang bansa. Maibabalik na rin ang magandang imahe ng bansang ating ginigiliw. Kung lilingunin natin ang ating kasaysayan, minsan nang tiningala ang ating bansa sa buong mundo nang humawak ng pinakamataas na katungkulan ang ating kababayang si Carlos P. Romulo sa Nagkakaisang Bansa. Kung kaya nating makipagsabayan noon, tinitiyak kong kaya rin natin ngayon. Kaya nating sabayan ang ibang bansa sa larangan ng sining, edukasyon at maging sa pulitika.
Kaya ang panawagan ko bilang kabataan ng kasalukuyan, kami sana’y hulmahing tunay. Mamumuhunan po kayo sa amin. Pagkat batid kong kung paano kami hubugin ngayon ay ganoon din ang katangiang tataglayin namin bukas. Kapagka matibay ang aming pundasyon, kayang-kaya naming buuin ang bansa tungo sa bantayog ng kaunlaran at nang ang ating bansa ay muling dumakila’t kilalanin bilang isang bansang matatag.
i'm antisocial.
(In response to the question, "What is your worst negative trait/behavior"?)
"No man is an island."
"No man is an island."
A seemingly no-brainer quote, yet one that I find hard to fully put to heart. I've been told that I sometimes exude an intimidating aura, which tends to shoo people away. Not that I mind, though. I prefer to be alone, except when I'm with my close friends.
Sometimes, though, I long for fun and stimulating conversations with strangers. Most people talk about nonsense crap these days but once in a while, I find a diamond in the rough, a person worth knowing and sharing ideas with. Of course, I may not be spared from utter quirkiness with that person either, but that I can usually deal with. I even find it cool sometimes.
And I'm not a big fan of parties either. I'd rather stay home and lie on my bed while reading my favorite book and drinking a cup of milk. I fee that small talk is 80% superficial, and that people always never mean what they say during those parties. They either i) beat around the bush, then reveal the favor they wanna ask from you after five minutes or so, ii) begin by asking what your life is like, then ask a gazillion questions about the Pisay system, so-and-so. I don't mind that at all, but sometimes, being asked again and again about exactly the same questions can get tiring (not to mention frustrating).
But no, if you think that I'm a mere stubborn brat who wants it her way and intends to keep it that way, you're wrong. I want to APPEAR more open (Machiavelli says you don't really have to be, just appear to be so) and more forgiving when it comes to these parties. My mom often chastises me for my behavior, and I don't want another "the talk" anytime soon. Also, I'm wondering if I'm missing something by being like this, which is why I'd like to see the other side of the fence before settling and becoming certified "AS", if ever.
P.S. Maybe antisocial can be the new emo. Hee.
Sometimes, though, I long for fun and stimulating conversations with strangers. Most people talk about nonsense crap these days but once in a while, I find a diamond in the rough, a person worth knowing and sharing ideas with. Of course, I may not be spared from utter quirkiness with that person either, but that I can usually deal with. I even find it cool sometimes.
And I'm not a big fan of parties either. I'd rather stay home and lie on my bed while reading my favorite book and drinking a cup of milk. I fee that small talk is 80% superficial, and that people always never mean what they say during those parties. They either i) beat around the bush, then reveal the favor they wanna ask from you after five minutes or so, ii) begin by asking what your life is like, then ask a gazillion questions about the Pisay system, so-and-so. I don't mind that at all, but sometimes, being asked again and again about exactly the same questions can get tiring (not to mention frustrating).
But no, if you think that I'm a mere stubborn brat who wants it her way and intends to keep it that way, you're wrong. I want to APPEAR more open (Machiavelli says you don't really have to be, just appear to be so) and more forgiving when it comes to these parties. My mom often chastises me for my behavior, and I don't want another "the talk" anytime soon. Also, I'm wondering if I'm missing something by being like this, which is why I'd like to see the other side of the fence before settling and becoming certified "AS", if ever.
P.S. Maybe antisocial can be the new emo. Hee.
Monday, October 11, 2010
an inconvenient truth
I don't get you. I wish I did, but I have lots of things I have to do besides wasting my time on this repeated maze that in a way's starting to get convenient anyway. So yeah, I don't care that I don't get it and I doubt I ever will.
______
I understand things perfectly now. I am secretly aware of your foolish plans, hidden desires, inner conflicts. Seemingly, I have perfected the art of contrivance, but my fears are not at all assuaged. I may have penetrated the inner lining of your mind, but in my hands is a messy jumble of this and that, a huge junk of useless information that is yet to make sense.
After everything I have extracted, I am back to square one.
911.
______
I understand things perfectly now. I am secretly aware of your foolish plans, hidden desires, inner conflicts. Seemingly, I have perfected the art of contrivance, but my fears are not at all assuaged. I may have penetrated the inner lining of your mind, but in my hands is a messy jumble of this and that, a huge junk of useless information that is yet to make sense.
After everything I have extracted, I am back to square one.
911.
a bunch of pretty yet useless phrases in my head
shipwreck in my head
raptured thought vessels
gamma male*
reverberating mirage
puckered lips and playful prayers
enshrouded with blinding sparks
kangaroo thoughts (fleeting)
twiddling long brown locks
puffy cotton-candy skirt
signature stance
retroed the scene*
treading across liquid dreams
soulful slumber
contrived confession
econbiofilperio | if you don't mind it, it won't matter (oh really.)
gamma male*
reverberating mirage
puckered lips and playful prayers
enshrouded with blinding sparks
kangaroo thoughts (fleeting)
twiddling long brown locks
puffy cotton-candy skirt
signature stance
retroed the scene*
treading across liquid dreams
soulful slumber
contrived confession
econbiofilperio | if you don't mind it, it won't matter (oh really.)
Friday, October 8, 2010
emotions
Incomprehensible, irrevocable, unbelievable.
Emotions. I've always believed that people should guard their emotions. For me, it is the waterloo of every great man, the evil mark signifying the impending fall of every beautiful woman. Well-conceived plans are easily dissolved once this cunning creature creeps into the equation. People start becoming irrational, impulsive, vulnerable. They start expecting and holding on to empty words and promises.
Suddenly, people's hearts cease to become theirs. They enter the risky business of falling without any assurance of refuge nor momentary salvation. Maybe, for others, that is exactly what makes the whole thing worthwhile. But I beg to differ. The least I could do for my sanity is spare myself from this hopeless case.
Ahh, the freedom of a robot.
Emotions. I've always believed that people should guard their emotions. For me, it is the waterloo of every great man, the evil mark signifying the impending fall of every beautiful woman. Well-conceived plans are easily dissolved once this cunning creature creeps into the equation. People start becoming irrational, impulsive, vulnerable. They start expecting and holding on to empty words and promises.
Suddenly, people's hearts cease to become theirs. They enter the risky business of falling without any assurance of refuge nor momentary salvation. Maybe, for others, that is exactly what makes the whole thing worthwhile. But I beg to differ. The least I could do for my sanity is spare myself from this hopeless case.
Ahh, the freedom of a robot.
Monday, October 4, 2010
stopcock
I have this nasty habit of stopping just before reaching the finish line. When everything seems set and delicately perfect, my inner clock turns into a halt and I turn my back on victory.
I do this because I feel that finishing one long run and ticking that little circle shorten my grand to-do list and thus, bring me closer to life's end.
This line of thinking is erroneous, I know. Nevertheless, I'm saving all the goodness for now.
I do this because I feel that finishing one long run and ticking that little circle shorten my grand to-do list and thus, bring me closer to life's end.
This line of thinking is erroneous, I know. Nevertheless, I'm saving all the goodness for now.
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